I had plans. I always have plans. I still haven't uploaded those pictures. I haven't blogged in forever. I feel like I'm letting all these memories just slip away. And yet, I seem to neglect the ones that are happening right in front of me. But sometimes, I admit... it's so hard. Sometimes I just want one minute to myself. Sometimes I just want someone else to feed her. Sometimes I just want to get caught up.
Then I look at her. I look into her eyes as I feed her. I drink in her sweet smile. I don't want this to go by so fast. I long to grasp each little moment in my hand and keep it there forever. I fear that I'm wishing away the best parts of my life.
But then, I think I don't have to choose. I can want those moments of reflection and peace and still believe that this is what I was made to do. I can still be jealous that my husband is napping peacefully with Lily while I've changed a diaper, cleaned up spit up and breastfed all while trying to type this sentence. I can know that this is the best part of me while being a little selfish, too. I can know that it doesn't make me selfish, it makes me human. And that's okay.
Most importantly, it's okay for my girls to know it. It's okay for my girls to know that raising them was the best part of my life, but also the hardest. It's okay for them to know that there were days where I didn't remember what it felt like to shower by myself and how badly I wanted to. Because someday, they'll feel this way with their kids. And they'll know that it's okay.